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Friday, August 26, 2016

JACOB'S LADDER







Stranger than fiction events comparable to scenes from the 1990
movie "Jacob's Ladder" minus combat related PTSD or the Hollywood
elements of demons, drugs, flashbacks, exploding cars and the contrived
cop-out "it was all a drug induced dream before death" depressing ending.
The lead character Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins) is a Jewish Army combat soldier in
Vietnam.  He is bayoneted in the stomach by one of his own men who were depicted
as being unwitting lab rats in a CIA drug experiment using something like BZ, an
hallucinatory aggression amplifying drug.  Jacob is found in the jungle with his
intestines outside his body.  Singer is still alive and taken by helicopter to a basecamp hospital.

The movie then picks up on what is supposed to be his post war civilian life.
In my view, all the scenes in this movie, all the flashbacks, everything hallucinatory
are depicted for a reason and meant to stand on their own loosely depicting iconic
metaphysical events that are timeless.

In 1985 I had "successful" sternum to pelvic bone resection surgery.  The operation was
five years before the movie.  I was in my late thirties.  Nothing iconic or metaphysical
about it but there is something going on regarding wounds or surgery in that particular area.

Unlike the movie I latter experienced a 6 to 9 month marathon of total sleep deprivation
without stimulant prescription or street drugs while in my 60's.  Considered impossible and
as close as anyone wants to get to a living death.

At one point the movie shows a civilian Jacob Singer at a crowded NYC apartment party
mixing with friends of his then Hispanic girlfriend. He is awkward and has nothing in
common with them.  As shown in the trailer, he has his palm read during the party.
Singer, shown with a wine bottle in his hand experiences confusion and war flashbacks
developing into a 106 fever.  His wife, played by the late Elizabeth Peña, gets him into
an ice bath to lower his body temperature.  He yells out that he's dying.  The shock sends
him into delirium.  He blacks out and imagines himself with his Jewish ex-wife.
He tells his ex the bedroom they are in feels like 10 degrees mirroring the ice bath.

Here's how that translates:
In the 1970's I am invited to Brooklyn to "sleep" with a partly Jewish female I'd
been seeing who was always said to be "married."  Her open marital arrangement was
more than slightly unconventional.  My guess now would be she would get pregnant by
a male loosely defined as a "husband" and would then sleep with me in between pregnancies.
Her looks were the very opposite of the Pena movie character.

The Brooklyn apartment is normal at first and then in the middle of the AM feels to be
at least 10 degrees below.  She says the heat is turned off at night.  It is unnaturally cold.
When I try to touch her to warm up she is too hot to get close to.  She is burning up but
notices nothing wrong.  She is too young for hot flashes.  Her body heat was beyond
anything sexual or natural.  But considering what we just did it did serve a purpose.

Awake all night in the sub-freezing cold room I go to work the next morning and
of course see her "husband" coming from his night job.  We turn around at the same
time as we pass.  He probably knows what's going on but it is all made to seem like high
intrigue.  Like a movie.  The invitation, the room temperate, her temperature and the
morning meeting was a contrived stupid arrangement designed to provoke guilt and
confusion about myself and the the woman I thought I knew.  I was the only one not in on the joke.










Thursday, August 25, 2016

THE LADDER


There are scenes in the movie of insidious crazed doctors with typically big needles.
Replaced in reality by "nice guy" smiling student dentists applying unneeded painful
injections into the chin cavity inside my lower gums.  Smiling Asian "student" dentist
knew I would yell out in a crowded clinic which I haven't done at the hands of dentists
since the sixth grade when I got minor cavities filled without painkiller.  Smiling Asian
student dentist denies everything.  Everyone stays in character except me.  I complain
and am switched to a female Asian dentist.  Her first words to me?  "Will you cooperate?"

What I try and fail to describe above and below is all too similar to the shocks
depicted in post war civilian parts of the movie except that the reality is less dramatic.

Unlike Jake Singer, I never got off at abandoned Bergen Street subway stations in Brooklyn.
The people seen by Jacob in compressed scenes on subways are comparable to what I
see in encounters more numerous except that none include seeing homeless guys with tails
left out of some versions of the movie.

I did witness a fake subway fight with real people bouncing off seats inside a moving subway.
I was not involved but I could see the contrived desperation of it unfolding in front of me.
That's an example of odd events I see every time I use the subways of NYC.  Imagination,
mood, paranoia or drugs play no part.  But...

...Jacob experiences one visual shock after another that he attributes to demons.
No demons.  Singer is abducted by three men in a moving auto that he escapes only to
have his wallet and ID picked after he hits the ground by a guy in a Santa Klaus suit
and beard waving his bell for donations.  When asked what happened to his ID at a
hospital ER he admits that "Santa Klaus took it" confirming the movie doctors idea of
someone insane.

When wheeled on a gurney through Bellevue hospital's winding corridors the audience
and Jacob sees a woman resembling his ex-wife curled up on the hospital floor.  See's
his "good guy" chiropractor vaguely behind a glazed window.  His "girlfriend" Jessie
mysteriously shows up as one of the Bellevue nurses seen to be the result of a concussion
received in the speeding car but, as mentioned previously, also representing something else.

Similar disjointed events not so dramatic happen routinely in my real life version.  The fact
that none of it answers to logic soon becomes beside the point.  Ex-girlfriends that I knew
for years are seen inches away in public who ghost me in public.  Common enough.

In the 1970's what looks like an East Indian male is seen climbing my fire escape at
4:30 AM, barefoot and dressed only in a sackcloth.  This occurred coincidently during
the first time I had a girl sleep over at my apartment.  The guy climbing the ladder showed
up years later in contexts so different I could never conceive of connecting the two events.

An event analogous to the fictional Jacob Singer car scene happened to me in April of 2014.
I am pined to the floor of a Soho bar around 4PM after being asked to leave by 3 guys
emerging from a back door for no apparent reason.  I offered to pay my bill but wasn't
given the chance.  There was no previous trouble, no inebriation in a near empty bar.
A knee to the back of my leg sends me to the ground with a guy for each leg and one with
his knee to my chest while holding down my arms.

He knows his knee is stopping me from breathing and talking normally.  While down I
manage to call him a moron.  I am cuffed, ID is taken and returned.  No name tag, no police
ID is shown, I am uncuffed.  An ambulance arrives and drives me to to Presbyterian Hospital
ER across town.  The only people I see are uncomprehending blank-faced security.  I sit down,
and choose to walk out after 30 seconds.  No blow to the head, no Santa Klaus characters, no
missing ID.

No medical procedures, no blood pressure taken but the Presbyterian Hospital ambulance
bills my insurance for over a thousand dollars.  Routine fraud is the least of it.  I consider
challenging the claim.  I go back to the bar and a different bartender.  And who is going
to believe this story even with witnesses.  Nada, no one.  The guy compressing my chest
with his knee shows up the next day in circumstances so completely different as to be almost
comparable to Jacob watching helplessly while Santa Klaus picks his pocket.  There are other
implications associated with the movie version that I don't even want to touch.



Friday, August 5, 2016

USEFUL AND UNUSEFUL CONTEXT



USEFUL AND UNUSEFUL CONTEXT:
Everything described in this blog does and doesn't originate in any particular time or country.
Manifesting in the 1960's - 1980's in the following ways: I had no idea at the time but
"new age" groups like Macrobiotics, Bioenergetics, Sri Chinmoy, Bubba Free John,
Integral Yoga and many other so-called alternative eastern and western groups were
completely serious as far as their stated intentions and completely rigged.

By who?  Not the FBI who were probably there reporting to J. Edgar and his successor
on what might have been considered to be potential subversive foreign infiltration.
The groups themselves didn't care and probably got a bunch of laughs over who the
special agent G-Man infiltrator was.

These alt groups had excellent PR depending on the image they wanted projected.
I never followed Franklin "Adi Da" Jones' " and his naughty reported hippy orgies which
were likely faked or contrived for the sake of rumor.  Or relatively conservative East-
Indian mediation teachers seemingly following unwritten scripts of prescribing celebracy
until, one after the other, getting "caught" seducing female followers.  One was described
as preforming mechanically, in/ out laughably animatronic sex seemingly getting nothing out
of it.  IOW, asexual, as if doing a job.  Like the priest from Spotlight.  And fulfilling
deliberately self-provoked falls from "enlightened grace", a karmic offset to being objects
of worship and fame.  Deliberately arranged and welcomed PR both positive and negative?

IMO, many people, Catholic religious leader, Marcial Maciel Dellogado, famous politicians
like Sen. Larry Craig, actor Mel Gibson who manufacture deliberate public humiliation under
the guise of sex, mental illness, substance abuse or all three.  Right after he, Gibson, makes a
billion dollars depicting the Crucifixion of Christ a series of incidents are blamed on alcohol,
"the Joos" or a bipolar condition.  Was he actually DWI?  Yes.  Involved with porn actresses?
Most likely.  All real and all faked.  Public disgrace is considered a badge of honor and
something to actually strive for in some religious quarters.  Like his for instance.  Like the
Catholic Church for instance.  Gibson just happens to be fundamentalist Catholic.

Monday, August 1, 2016

DOUBLE-PLUS UNGOOD



RATIONAL WIKI:
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Roko%27s_basilisk#Acausal_trade
Yudkowsky considers the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics to be trivially obviously
true,[31] and anything that could happen does happen in some quantum Everett branch[32]
(modal realism[wp] is true[33]).Per Yudkowsky's conception of continuity of identity, copies of you in
these branches should be considered to exist (and be you) — even though you cannot interact with them.[34]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Václav_Havel Not to change the subject but a New Yorker Václav Havel article struck a chord with me. 

Mr. H, Czech President, Vaclav Havel in 1990 accepting an honorary degree at Hebrew 
University and comparing his experiences to Mr. K, Franz Kafka. 
http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/1990/sep/27/on-kafka/

"One of them is a profound, banal, and therefore utterly vague sensation of culpability, as though my very existence were a kind of sin.  Then there is a powerful feeling of general alienation, both my own and relating to everything around me, that helps to create such feelings; an experience of unbearable oppressiveness, a need constantly to explain myself to someone, to defend myself, a longing for an unattainable order of things, a longing that increases as the terrain I walk through becomes more muddled and confusing."

About the only thing I have in common with Vaclav Havel is that my
last name also begins with H and otherwise nothing in this blog compares
to what what he experienced in prison before the Prague Spring in the
freeing of Czechoslovakia from the Warsaw Pact USSR.

I can easily go from Havel, Kafka and the Prague Spring to Orwell.

I used to be very smug and very sure that my version of things was "right".
There have always been mentally ill people who believe they are victimized by
whoever he or she believes the enemy or "They" happen to be.  Everything in this blog
can be interpreted in that light.  Understandable but incorrect.  I was completely wrong
in my assumptions and no one could tell me otherwise.

DIRECT EXPERIENCE ON THE RECEIVING END beginning in 1994 and becoming
much more aggressive after 2001which many might contrive to say is some kind of
911 PTSD or some such nonsense.  The following will include the cringeworthy but
accurate explanation as to the source of all that I'm describing.  And no, it has nothing
to do with government or contractor conspiracies.  Any references to same are done for
the sake of context if not clarity.

1) E-distorted scream sound effect from outside my apartment followed by
verbal and multiple pulsed frequency sound combinations inducing nausea,
skin heating, racing heart, an adrenal rush felt in the kidney adrenals, in the heart
as angina and total sleep deprivation for 3/4 of a year and resulting temporary arthritis,
painful upper back and neck side effects.  (The sound frequencies I heard were seemingly
meant to mimic the previously mentioned commercially available sound weaponry)
Sleep deprivation for this amount of time, normally impossible, is made to be very
routine which means keeping a person alive and totally sleepless for 3/4 of a year doesn't
seem to present much of a problem for those hiding behind the decisive asset, as
Martin Ames would say, of being beyond belief.

New methods are likely added in pursuit of absolute overwhelming
intimidation, domination and control as if always in a constant
state of war implementing learned helplessness with and w/o physical
contact.  No evidence is apparent, all complaints must be dismissed.

Pulsed multi-frequency combinations are invasive, invisible, leave no
incriminating marks and yet are capable of "touching" and causing
extreme physical pain, nausea, heating of the skin or racing heart chest
pain causing the person to keel over.  The latter are all consigned to tactile
hallucinations or "anxiety attacks."  Nothing was wrong with my heart
but neither were these imagined.  Also no government plot, no technology
or invisible microwave DEW beams.  (The angina pain was a heart jump-
start during prolonged sleep deprivation and disruption)

2) People on the receiving end of sleep deprivation are kept alive and relatively
healthy in a kind of functional half-life fog.  Involuntary sleep deprivation and
disruption via verbiage, sound effects (the old base sound ceiling rapping of 
horror movies, slamming doors and scrapping chairs) sound frequencies 
stimulating or depressing major organs, modulating blood flow, sex drive 
and those famous Strangelovian "precious bodily fluids."  

3) During that 3/4 of a year sleepless marathon the only external obvious
differences in the immediate home environment besides those mentioned
were a mild aerosol chemical smell in the apartment that probably had stimulant
effects and also an almost constant hissing white-noise-like sound both
in the ears (blood flow due to contracted blood vesicles?) and, at times,
projected into the surrounding apartment space reaching a crescendo
effect around the sleepless endpoint after approximately nine months
and the start of another round of sleep disruption.
This occurred in my living space which was and still is more of an
virtual (v)-prison than a place to live.

4) No third party or doctor can distinguish any of this from classic delusion.
At the mere mention of "hearing voices" doctors can't blame themselves for
prescribing useless (in this case) anti-psychotic drugs because even the individual
on the receiving end has no conception, reason or experience to know what's behind
any of this.  The person will believe what they are told, that they are psychotic and
proceed to be compliant in taking useless prescriptions.  Lately the mental health
profession see's psychosis on a functional to dysfunctional spectrum.  This is considered
something of a breakthrough in the mental health field.  Breakthrough's are rare
but millions of research papers keep pouring forth.

Most people who experience intractable delusion and hallucinations also experience
sleep deprivation and believe, usually wrongfully, that they are the victims of externally
sourced plots.  Everything described here can be met with looks of fake concern
combined with the usual slow shaking of the head, as in, "whoops, there's always
room for one more comedian on the funny farm."

After the months of sleeplessness I assumed, wrongly, that I had a psychotic
break leading to auditory hallucinations and sleeplessness.  It took me years,
and increased sleep, to see things differently.  This can be seen as a typical
attempt at talking myself out of inconvenient reality except for the fact that
I will mention details that are difficult to imagine, copy, contrive or make up.

I can't prove I was completely awake for 3/4 of a year.  A typical response,
"I guess not, staying awake that long is impossible anyway?"  Or "you had to
have been on drugs and forgotten that you slept for brief periods."  Or ,"What's
that? You were being hit by invisible rays by invisible men?  Golly, that's too bad.
Check out some of Schreber's Thorazine flavored Kool-Aid for speedy relief."

(In Schreber's day it was opium and fresh air physical fitness for upper class
overworked judges claiming to be mystics)

All kinds of scenarios can be implied or imagined: Street or prescription stimulants?
Persecution complexes along with a desperate need for attention?  Making the whole
thing up or mixing select truth and fantasy, or, or, or anything but what I'm saying.
Convenient understandable automatic default settings that people always fall back
on because what is being said is inconvenient, repellent, or hilariously dumb sounding.

Total sleeplessness conveniently hinders awareness of what should be obvious.
What proves eventually to be so obvious is an insidious non-imagined 24/7 remote
metaphysical neural hack interference in every aspect of waking and sleeping life.

"What's that you say, metaphysical what?  From victim to mystic.  Where have
we heard that before?"  (Metaphysical is my word for it beyond the usual meaning
of the word.  Better than supernatural or spiritual.  It is anything but spiritual.)

The above manifested more aggressively in my case around 2002 some months after 911,
while in my fifties.  But was also a continuation of a slightly more subdued series of
personal events starting in 1993-4 coincidentally after the first WTC attack.  There is
no apparent connection and if any exists it is, again, way past my pay grade.

The more accurate my description of all this the less credible it sounds.  So I should
stop digging the hole deeper, right?  Nope, I'm in over my head and no matter how hard
I dig the hole stays at the same depth.  The level of experience stays the same.  Terrible.